After this past weekend I'm ready for a weekend.

My man has been wrestling with a sinus infection since the beginning of last week. I got a little ill from the children i cared for but we were up and running physically well by the weekend. I had felt strongly the whole week to pray and had been really sensitive to God's leading. We have been wrestling with a lot of decisions lately and really seeking God for guidance and wisdom.I felt God telling me that Jer and I are on the brink of what we have been praying for. What we have felt God has wanted for us. 

Saturday night we had met up separately at a restaurant and then to hang out at a friends house. We had to drive home separately. We found ourselves on the way around 2:30 in the morn.  I was following Jer, who was driving our Corolla. We were 5 minutes from home when three deere ran out in front of Jer...he slams his brakes and i almost rear end him. But hey, we're all good. No harm, no foul.

Less than 2 minutes later a car is headed the wrong direction down our lane and straight for Jer going around 70-80 mile an hour. Jer slammed on his brakes and swerves hard into the left lane. I slam on my brakes and swerve hard to the right to keep from rear ending him and from having a head on collision with the crazy drunk/high driver who was now headed my way. The crazy driver swerved as well but slightly side swiped Jer in the Corolla in the process then drove away at break kneck speed. It was INTENSE! I got out shaking like a leaf. We called the cops and were still able to drive the damaged car home but I was jumping at everything all the rest of the way home. They never caught the wild man who hit us.

I'm not one to think that there are demons behind lamp posts or be quick to blame the devil for everything, but you could sense that this was not just random. There have been too many "randoms" lately. Jer said something to the effect of, well babe, we must be doing something right. The devil is in high gear to get us. We had planned on sleeping in instead of going to church and he said, that's it! We are gonna mess with devils head and go to church! And we're gonna go repair some relationships that have been broken in our lives!   

So we went to Jer's dad's church. Had an amazing time with his family after a great church service. That evening we decided to play flag football and guess what?! I fell backwards and slammed my head on the ground. Saw lights, almost passed out, the works. I threw out something cause my back and kneck all felt like it needed popped. My jaw wasn't working well but with a little effort it finally popped back in for me to be able to talk but it was hard for me to close my mouth at all.

With much ice and hot pads, I'm much better today but with a sore jaw I ask, WHAT THE JUNK? My first funny thought was stop driving and stop playing flag football. And then I started thinking, isn't it interesting that my automatic response was to freeze? To stop?

The enemy wants to freeze up our lives through worry, worldly concerns, our finances, our kids, our families, issues with those close to us. He tries to distract us, to get us to stop living  fully. If that doesn't work you get an all out warning. Stop or you will pay consequences. Well, how about you stopping devil?! You are gonna pay consequences by my prayers and how I live my life with Love and Truth. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I'm not gonna sit still. I'm not gonna shut up. I'm gonna love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! I won't be paralyzed in fear. I have God's perfect love being shed abroud in my heart and casting out that fear you tried to plant. This is just a ploy to cause me to go into hiding. To stop living.

But it's not working. I went and got my armour and am fully and wholly or should i say, HOLY pissed off.

so, you know how i said i was gonna sing Tues night? yeah...it ruined me and i'm still haunted by what i experienced. 

i love to sing- always have. but for as much of a powerhouse vocalist i am, i get terribly shy when it comes to singing in front of people. i haven't been very confident in the gift, though deeply in love music. the feeling of it as it courses through your heart, singing it with passion and soul. then you put God and my love for Him in that mix and i lose it and go off lovin on my Jesus....but publicly? it scares the spit wad out of me! and i don't always feel like i've been understood in the regular worship service i find at church. i also don't understand or do well with following verses and choruses and i can't even tell you how many times i've been told to tone down....i get into it and bam! i'm outsingin everybody on the team (including the leader)! but i've really been working on it as i have been doing worship with my bro at the international house of prayer here in IN. i wanna learn how to do this right!

but let's go back a little to help explain the other night. I had been singing with my sister off an on last summer/fall and another worship leader heard us. said he wanted to sing with us. just him (Michael), evie an me...and a piano....sure! we set the time for the day after Thanksgiving. evie got sick the day we were supposed to sing and there i was alone. again, scared the spit out of me. AND to top it off, when i got there i found out, Michael had gotten so excited about the set he had recruited a full band and xtra singers with us. EEEEEKKKK! i warned him i may be really quiet, i don't do well with bands and semi larger crowds (say any more than 5 people! LOL). He said, just love Jesus or somethin like that. Yeah, wet my pants and love Jesus on stage. :)

i stopped and took the pressure off myself by just doin just that. now, lemme say this, Michael is african american and FULL of soul. we started out nice n' easy but by the end of the worship set i was wailing like a black woman and bawling my eyes out b/c of the overwhelming love of God being poured out in my heart. this was my kinda' worship! and to a rythm i could jam too! we went from r&b worship to rap to sweet intimate chorus lines....it was wonderful and rocked my world and confidence. i had never really let it rip an worship publicly like i do in private before.

so, now lets skip to last Tuesday. Michael leads worship at this tuesday night meeting that reaches out to the city. his backup singers had dropped and he was down to the wire. i get a call from my sis and long story short, i find myself, once again, ready to wet myself as the stage lights flash, the band boooms and us last minute singers scramble to find our harmony lines. i reminded myself again, issy, just worship, love Jesus. and you know what? He came....and as i stood there on stage (of all things) i was reminded of my clubbing days. i used to love to go clubbing. i loved the music as it ripped through the building and flooded my senses and i could just let go and dance.. i didn't go to meet anybody or dance with anyone...i wanted to dance to my hearts content. it was the place i could let go and feel...where i could be me, far away from the rejection i've felt for my free spirited ways...where i could move with what moved me...it was where i could be free....AND as i stood on that stage tues night, with the lights shining, the music pulsing in my veins, singing my heart to God with all the soul and wind God has placed in this 5'2 white girl, I felt a freedom flow over me that i haven't felt since i was on that old dance floor....something i've never been able to express in church like this.. a freedom to be the wild heart i am...i felt God's acceptance...His love flow over me...He loves the spit and fire He's put in me and was soaking it up as i sang as much as i was His love...and out of me came the soul and fiery love that has burned in the quiet resources of my heart due the public fire extingushers....and i found myself in the middle of experiencing freedom in Christ...not only from Him but others...a lot of reserves went up in flames on center stage...and i've been set free...another inhibition has bit the dust.